Me, Myself, and Kuronue
by TypoNumber5
Summary: After an, erm, INTERESTING accident, Kurama finds himself thrown across space and time and into Makai and his past. Will Youko realize 'Suuichi's' true identity? If so, what will he think of his future? And most importantly, will Kuronue get his popsicle?
1. Piece of Pie

'Ello, all, this is my first YYH fic, if that means anything special. Well, actually, I DID start a Halloween one, but... it's November now... (cough, cough)

Anyway, I was inspired to write this by Counterproductive Squirrels' "Exploits of the Rich and Famous," though I have no idea I how came up with the plot.

Also, I took a few liberties with Kuronue's personality. They don't really lay one down for you, do they? ...Do they???

Also, special thanks to BeagleBLOOMerz for betaing, and to Mary Sue who didn't really do anything except laugh and kick me. In fact, I'll probably get a kick just for that.

Disclaimer: I do not own YYH. Yay for me. I shall not repeat myself throughout this fic.

**Me, Myself, and Kuronue**

**-::- Piece of Pie -::-**

In the realm of Yu Yu Hakusho fanfiction, the Reikai Tantei end up at each other's houses for some very odd reasons. Sometimes they need a quiet place to heal a girl with clothes that are described to the point it's painful, sometimes they hold video game mini-tournaments, and sometimes they bake muffins. Today, however, they were attending a birthday party.

Kurama didn't particularly mind having the tantei at his house, but the idea of having such a childish party, complete with cone shaped hats and pin the tail on the donkey, was a bit embarrassing. But he supposed he didn't have to let the rest know about the basket full of prizes for the watermelon seed-spitting contest in the closet as his mother, who had organized the thing, was conveniently out of town.

Too bad he hadn't noticed the board games she left out.

"I still want to know why you have Pretty Pretty Princess, Kurama," Yusuke said cheerfully as he fastened a clip-on earring to his nostril. "Look, I'm a rock star!"

"That's disgusting, Yusuke," Keiko chided as Botan moved the abhorrently fake looking ring that served as her playing piece. The game was only meant for four people, after all.

"Bingo! Kuwa-chan, I get the blue ring."

"But it's my piece!" the carrot top objected.

Yukina, with the cheesy plastic crown placed majestically upon her teal tresses, smiled gently at Kuwabara. "You can take my black ring; I have no use for it."

"Oh, Yukina-san, brilliant moon in my dark night sky, thank you!" He beamed at her. "Here, take the pink necklace as a token of my thanks!"

Kurama sighed, not willing to comment on how many rules they had just broken, and spun for his turn. The needle landed on four, and he won another bracelet for his collection.

Hiei sat in a corner scowling at them. He still had his pride.

The game progressed until Yusuke became fed up with his apparent lack of luck, threw his piece across the room, and stomped into the kitchen to get cake and ice cream. Kurama, seizing the opportunity to escape the game obviously intended for five-year-old girls bored of My Little Pony, Easy Bake Over, and Flip n' Dive Barbie, followed him in the quickest way possible without looking like he wanted to ran away screaming.

Yusuke removed the cake from its place next to the kitchen sink and set it on the dining room table. It was an incredible, three-layered mass of poisonously chocolate goodness. The words "Happy Birthday, Suuichi!" adorned the deliciously dark icing, and blood red sugary roses danced around the circumference. It was all Yusuke could do to keep from drooling all over it.

"CAKE!!" Botan squealed, leaping up. She half sprinted, half pranced across the room to the culinary masterpiece, but her foot caught itself under the Oriental rug and she fell, narrowly missing a smack on the forehead from the protruding and dangerously sharp table corner.

Unfortunately, Kuwabara had the same idea and tripped over her. And, also unfortunately, things tend to be a little bit too dramatic in anime. Kuwabara did not just trip. He went flying. Flying over the ferry girl; flying over the table. Flying right into the cake.

Needless to say, it was ruined.

Kurama walked out of the kitchen with several bowls of ice cream just in time to be splattered with cake. He stopped at the doorway and blink at them through the chocolate pox covering his expressionless face. Kuwabara's gaze apologetically up at the red head from behind a mask of dark pastry slowly flaking from his face as the he stumbled off the table.

"Sorry, guys," he said sheepishly.

"It's okay," Kurama replied. "We still have ice cream."

"I'm sorry too," said Botan as she picked herself of the floor. "I shouldn't have been running in your hou--" She was cut off by a loud sob coming from Yusuke's general direction.

"Th-the cake..." The lip of the bold and fearless leader of Team Urameshi trembled as he fell to his knees. "It's... it's... gone..."

"Look, I'll make a new cake," Kuwabara offered.

"You're going to cook...?" Keiko asked with a worried look on her face. Memories of the bake sale still haunted her...

"Oh, don't worry, Keiko," Botan smiled, regaining her perpetually bubbly attitude. "I'll help him. How hard can it be?"

With that, the pair filed past Kurama into the Minamino kitchen and shut the door. The former thief passed out the ice cream, and contemplated on the phrase "piece of cake."

If something was a piece of cake, it was either an actual piece of cake or was something very easy to do. Opening a door is a piece of cake (usually). Brushing your hair is a piece of cake (usually). Changing a light bulb is a piece of cake (sometimes). But was baking a cake a piece of cake? One would think so, what with the wording and all, but all those aforementioned pieces of cakes were accompanied by an parenthesized adverb that denoted the idea that a piece of cake was always a piece of cake. Perhaps it was sometimes a piece of pie?

"I want some more." A demanding voice jolted Kurama out of his thoughts. Blinking downwards, he found himself seated next to Hiei, who was cradling a large ice cream bowl that looked suspiciously as though it had been licked clean.

"I thought you didn't like ningen food."

"...I'm entitled to make exceptions."

Kurama rolled his eyes, stood, and waltzed over to the kitchen. "One bowl of ice cream coming up," he said sarcastically. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Hiei attack his barely touched ice cream. "Make that two bowls," he muttered and opened the door...

...only to come face to face with disaster. A gooey yellow substance covered the floor and counter, and egg dripped from the ceiling. The refrigerator and all the cabinets were open, their contents scattered about the room. Botan, covered with flour, was feverishly mixing together what appeared to be paprika, soy sauce, and toast. Kuwabara was yelling nonsense and trying to put out the fire engulfing a fruit salad that contained anchovies for some reason, and the oven was glowing crimson.

"What are you doing?!" The former thief yelled, rushing over to the oven. He leaned over to turn it off, but and soon as his hand made contact with the dial, he saw a flash of dramatically clichéd blue light and felt himself be thrown backwards be an invisible force. He mentally readied himself for a collision with the sink, but none came.

This wasn't good.

----

Kuronue glared at the cerulean lake from atop the hill upon which he was lounging. Rolling onto his side, he turned his glare to his partner, also sprawled across the grass.

"Kurama?"

"What?"

"I'm bored."

"Well, find something to do, then."

Silence.

"Kurama?"

"What?"

"I want a popsicle."

"Then go buy one."

More silence.

"Kurama?"

"_What?_"

"We're thieves."

"So steal your damn popsicle, the hell do I care?"

Even more silence.

"Kurama?"

"WHAT?!"

"Where's the popsicle stand?"

Youko Kurama's hands twitched threateningly as he considered strangling his "friend." Luckily for Kuronue, the fox demon's murderous thoughts were cut of by a loud splash from the lake. The two stared at the disturbed water and got to their feet as it settled, only to figure abruptly appear from its depths and waded to shore.

The figure, the demons noted as they calmly wandered down the hillside to investigate, was actually a boy with long, thick ruby hair and emerald eyes that made girls swoon. He had a feminine look to him, if the two references to precious gems didn't clue you in. The boy froze as soon as he spotted the two, though not by their misjudgment of fear.

The look on his face read something along the lines of 'Oh, crap....'

Youko Kurama stopped a yard in front of him and sneered. "You smell... human," he announced.

The OTHER Kurama sighed internally and vaguely wondered how he managed not only to be shot back in time but into Makai by an average, everyday human oven of all things.

"How do you know what a human smells like if you've never even been to Ningenkai?" he answered coolly.

There was a prolonged silence.

"Y'know, he's got you there, Kurama."

"Shut up, Kuronue."

"I will if you get me a popsicle."

"Will you stop with the popsicles?"

"But I really want one..."

"Well, dammit Kuronue, there AREN'T any popsicles around here!"

Modern day Kurama cleared his throat. "Pardon my intrusion, but I seem to be lost. Would you mind telling me where I am?"

Youko Kurama's attention snapped from one annoyance to another. "Just who the hell are you, anyway?"

"Suuichi Minamino." The so-dubbed Suuichi bowed. "And you are the great Youko Kurama and Kuronue, I presume?"

"That'd be us," the bat demon confirmed.

"Glad that you've heard of us," Youko Kurama cut in, "Now get the hell away from us."

Kurama stared unblinkingly at his past self. "I'm sorry, I can't do that."

"Is that a threat?" Youko Kurama growled and took a menacing step forward.

Suddenly, before the other Kurama could reply, a giant, slimy blue demon burst forth from the lake.

"ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHO DARES ENTER THE TERRITORY OF THE GREAT LAKE DEMON GOZURO?!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Kuronue raised an eyebrow. "Bit of a delayed reaction, don'tchya think?"

"SILENCE, FOOLISH UNDERLING!!!!!!!!!!!! ROAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Youko Kurama smirked and nodded his head toward the imposing demon. "Tell you what, Suuichi. If you can defeat this moron, we'll let you come with. If you can't..." he shrugged. "You die."

"Fair enough." The other answered, turning toward the hulking mass of scales towering over him.

The demon probably didn't have much power, but then again it looked a lot stronger than Kurama did. Oh well, no harm there, it would be easy to...

His hand stopped half way to his hair. He couldn't use that... His past self would get suspicious. In fact, he probably shouldn't use any sort of plant in front of the thieves.

The monster roared and blundered out of the lake. Kurama, at a loss for what to do, struck a defensive stance. Why did all his techniques involve plants? Why hadn't he come up with any new weapons since he trapped himself in ningenkai? Why hadn't he worked on his physical strength more? How was he going to beat a giant water demon without any sort of botanical help? And WHY was Kuronue yammering in the background about frozen juice???


	2. Kyun

Again, thanks to Beagle for betaing.

To prevent confusion (more on my behalf than yours, I can assure you), present-day Kurama is referred to just pale ol' "Kurama" in the text but "Suuichi" by Youko and Kuronue… because that's kinda what he told them his name was… (cough, cough) ANYway, Youko Kurama is either just that, "Youko Kurama", or Youko (if I'm lazy) in the text, and Kurama in the dialogue.

**Me, Myself, and Kuronue**

**-::- Kyun. -::-**

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Yusuke barreled into the kitchen. "What's happening? Botan?!"

The girl in question had a horrified look on her face, as though she had started to watch a Barney DVD she thought was Pirates of the Caribbean. The flour all over her didn't help much. Kuwabara was giving her an odd look, but turned to the Boy Who Died But Then Lived.

Please ignore the Harry Potter reference.

"It was the weirdest thing, Urameshi," he said. "Kurama went to turn off the oven, and then there was this dramatically clichéd flash of blue light, and he was gone."

Yusuke frowned. "What do you mean he was gone?"

"He just vanished!" Botan cried, snapping out of her stupor. "Just poof, gone! And..." - she paused dramatically – "I got egg in my hair."

Yusuke fell over.

-----

Taking a deep but unnoticeable breath, Kurama took two steady steps toward the monster known as Gozuro, a plan forming in his mind. It my make him look like a fool, or even worse, a NERD, but it was the only weapon he had now.

"What do you know about right triangles?" he asked the demon in a surprisingly jovial voice.

"ROAR!!!!!!!!!" It yelled back at him, not wanting to reveal to his opponent that he couldn't remember if a triangle was the duck with six or twelve feathers, and that he had never heard of anyone distinguishing the difference between a wrong one and a right one.

"I just think they're fascinating," Kurama went on. "I mean, in what other geometric figure can you calculate the perimeter with just the measure of two sides? Well, I suppose if the shape was verified as a regular figure you could do it with just one side, but with a right triangle you can calculate even an irregular one using the Pythagorean Theorem."

"…Roar?"

"I think my favorite type of right triangle is a 30-60-90 triangle because you only need one side to calculate all the rest. You can do the same with an isosceles right triangle, of course, by saying the hypotenuse is a leg multiplied by the square root of two, but I like complexity, and I believe that the formulas for 30-60-90 triangles are more complicated. The hypotenuse is twice the measure of the leg opposite the thirty-degree angle, and this leg multiplied by the square root of three will give you the measure of the leg opposite the sixty-degree angle! Who ever realized that was brilliant, weren't they?"

At this point, it was all poor Gozuro could do to remember how many hands he needed to count to thirty.

"Brain… too small… Gozuro… no understand!" He moaned, crossing his eyes and shaking his head furiously as though he could shake some sense into it. It promptly exploded. The demons left standing blinked.

"That was unexpected," was all Kuronue could say. Youko Kurama took a different approach.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!!" he yelled, stomping over to Kurama.

"Geometry," was the stone cold answer.

Youko Kurama scowled down at him for a moment.

"…Can you teach it to me?"

It was all Kurama could do to keep from sweat dropping.

After a standing around awkwardly for a spell, the trio headed back up the hill into a conveniently placed and conveniently dark forest. Kurama lectured his counter part on various high school course mathematics, and Kuronue marched a good distance ahead, chopping off random limbs of various demons trying to pick a fight with them.

Presently, he came to a clearing with a stream running through it. Around this stream, cute little bunny demons were dancing. They each had color coordinating lollipops and freakishly big, shiny eyes. They were the gosh darn cutest things any mortal could have laid eyes on.

"Aaaw..." Kuronue cooed, kneeling next to one. "It's adorable!" He cuddled it to his cheek, grinning like an idiot.

Now, to see a full grown, feared-by-any-sane-person bat demon talking to a bunny in baby talk is a very odd, not to mention slightly disturbing, sight. Both Kuramas stopped in their tracks as they entered the clearing to stare at their companion. Youko was seriously considering disowning him as a partner. The bunnies, busily tying up Kuronue as he played paddy cake with one, did not notice the intruders until a split second after the fox demons realized what was going on.

But it was to late.

They turned to flee for their lives, a panicked look on both their faces. "Don't look at them!" they thought simultaneously.

"Kyuuuuuuuuuuuuuun?" On of the bunnies inquired.

Youko Kurama halted in mid-run; the cuteness of the cry was too much. Slowly, he turned his head around… then began to follow…

"Don't!" Kurama, who had had much more experience in Cute-Things-That-Were-Actually-Maniac-Homicidal-Killing-Machines, yelled from his left. "Resist it, Youko Kurama, resist it!"

"Kyun kyun kyuuun?" A bunny teetered up to the silver haired demon, peering sweetly up at him and offering a lollipop.

"Can't… resist… too cute…" the Legendary Bandit Youko Kurama fell to his knees.

"Kyuuun." More bunnies hopped over to him, each one carrying rope in their fuzzy lil' paws.

That last call had been too much for Kurama. He slowly uncovered his eyes and peered down at the huggable little demons at his feet. 'We're all gonna die' was the last thing he thought before accepting a lolly.

- :: -

When Kuronue came to, he found himself chained to a sturdy metal table and staring up at a big, fluffy, yellow thing. Normally he would refrain from using third grade vocabulary, but that was what it was. A big, fluffy, yellow thing.

"Kyuuuuun. Welcome, Kuronue," a high-pitched, wannabe menacing voice sounded from somewhere near the floor, "to the Tickle Torture Chamber of DOOM!!! Bwahahahaha!"

"…Tickle Torture Chamber of Doom?"

"Of DOOM."

"Yeah, whatever. Don't you think that's a bit lame?" Kuronue lifted his head as best he could in hopes of catching a glimpse of his tormentor.

"Don't you think you look a bit like gothic Barbie?" The voice snapped back.

"Hey…"

"Well, you do. Now FEAR!!! FEEEAAAAAR the Tickle Torture Chamber of DOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!! KYUUUUUUUUUUUN!!!!!!"

Kuronue sighed. "You wouldn't happen to have a Popsicle, would you?"

"No." There was a click like that of a lever to an inane device of torture being pulled.

"Damn." The thief watched the fluffy thing, which he now realized was a giant feather, lowered slowly toward him…

The sound of hysterical laughter filled the Über Cute Demon Bunny Secret Base of DOOM.

- :: -

Youko Kurama's golden eyes fluttered open. Groggily sitting up from a rather uncomfortable position on the stone floor, he surveyed the room. It was dark, dank, and musty, exactly the type of thing you found in a bad, medieval-type action movie. He was chained to the wall by his ankle, and the shackle clanked loudly against the cold stone as he crossed his legs.

Curled up in a corner, Kurama sat examining his fingernails. A deranged look lingered in his eyes.

"Suuichi?"

"I think mushrooms will make fine wallpaper, Mr. Toadfish."

Youko Kurama stared at him for a moment before turning to the lock on the cuff loosely dangling around his ankle. There must have been something in that lollipop.

It didn't take long to pick the lock, which made the silver haired bishonen wonder exactly who the bunnies thought they were. He leisurely strolled across the cell to the door. It locked from the outside and didn't have any windows, just one solid slab of rusty iron, so at least the Cute Ones had SOME sense. Pulling a selected seed out of his hair, Youko Kurama manipulated the plant under the door and to the outer lock, which the plant promptly picked. Even the demon's greeneries were master thieves. Youko pushed the door open and took a step into the dingy corridor outside.

"NO!! Not my painted mittens!" Kurama threw himself across the room and latched on to his counter part's ankle.

"Get off," the other commanded, kicking his foot sharply. Kurama still clung to it.

"But the powder only works on homo sapiens," the teen that was apparently not in his right mind stared up at the thief with the dazed look of a person who just went on the Tower of Terror twelve times in a row after not sleeping for three days, ate a pound of cotton candy, and threw it back up going on the Tilt-a-Whirl. It was mildly disturbing.

Youko Kurama made several attempts to separate himself from his future self, but gave up when knocking Kurama's head against the wall had no visible effect. He then settled on marching purposely out of the dungeon with a human clinging to his foot. If anyone asked, it was Kuronue's idea.

Youko Kurama roamed the halls of the… building, whatever it was, for quite sometime without interruption. On one hand, he didn't have to bother fighting evil and dastardly cute bunnies. On the other, he was pathetically lost and had no way of getting out of this miserable pit of flagrantly huggable youkai. Oh, and he needed to find Kuronue too.

"My neighbor won the singing contest for tone-deaf."

And that boy was REALLY getting annoying.

By the time he reached the kitchens, the youko was on the brink of mental break down. The absurdity of the bunny fortress, the building's repetition in dull decoration was gnawing on his very last nerves, and the simple fact that he, a self-proclaimed genius, could not figure out a way to defeat it was driving him up the dreary gray, mold incrusted walls. To sprinkle salt on the wound, the redhead would. Not. Let. Go. Of. His. DAMNED. FOOT. And insisted on screaming nonsense and making random comments on the ceiling cracks. The silver-haired thief stormed into the kitchen with a maniac gleam in his eyes, ready to rip the spleen out of the next living thing he saw, whether it was Kuronue or not.

It didn't work out in exactly that way.

The first thing that Youko Kurama saw when he entered the room was rising bread. The second thing he saw was a group of bunnies struggling to pull a gigantic chocolate cake out of one of the many ovens. The group looked up as a ominous shadow fell over them. Quickly, they began to turn on the cute. Youko Kurama smiled down at them, but not in the way they had expected. He jeered at them, a blend of psychotic blood lust and the frustration one can only obtain from wondering through an interminable maze with a parrot gibbering in their ear the whole way.

He grabbed the nearest spatula and, with a hair-raising war cry, charged at the bunnies. They squeaked, confused by the cute immunity, and ran. The thief took chase, knocking over tables and bumping into cabinets while screeching various profane insults.

A rabbit paused briefly to hurl a bowl of banana mush, followed by the peels, at him, but Youko merely knocked the bowl away. However, the peels took their toll as his foot came down on one, sending him face down on to the stone floor.

"My, those cracks look like a box of Coke cans, don't they?" Kurama giggled from his position at his past self's feet.

"Suuichi," the other mumbled, standing back up and grabbing a pie, "shut your pie hole." Unaware how corny that sounded, he lobbed it at the bunnies, who were hit dead on. One grabbed a tube of Go-Gurt and squirted its contents at the thief; he dodged and sent a cantaloupe back at them. A food fight erupted.

The thief and the bunnies continued bombarding each other with edible items, Kurama putting in his completely random commentary every now and then. Citrus fruits were hurled, watermelon seeds were spit, frozen fish sticks were shot from super-soaker water guns, and peanut butter was kept and eaten. Then, in a climatic act of desperation…

"ODE TO JOY!!!!!!!!!!!"

…the bunnies catapulted Makai's biggest piece of homemade taffy at Youko Kurama using a cleverly constructed machine made from old recipe books and dishtowels. Youko opened his mouth to yell, but no sound came out as the giant candy collided with him. He fell into the cake the bunnies had been baking; Kurama, still attached to his ankle, fell on his side half-on and half-off of the oven door the cake rested upon. Blinking, the stars from his eyes, Youko Kurama smirked up at his food-fight opponents.

"Ha," he said, "you're out of ammo." And he began to stand up to dramatically point, rant for a bit, and then finish them off. Or, at least, he tried to.

For a moment, the demon sat there acting triumphant as he tried to move his legs, but he was stuck. The taffy had served its purpose as an adhesive, and the universes greatest bandit found himself sitting in a cake, glued to the inner side of an opened oven door.

"Shit."

"Mushroom."

The bunnies burst into a chorus of high-pitched, disturbing laughter. They each produced a lollipop from behind their left ears, and held them up menacingly. Realizing those were the same type of lollipops the evil cutlings had given to the assumed human, Youko's eyes widened in fright.

"No…!"

The bunnies grinned in a way that, for once, did not make them look like they deserved to be cuddled.

"Yes."

The bunnies advanced. Youko closed his mouth as tight as possible.

"ALL I WANT IS A FIZZUCKING POPSICLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" A deep voice screamed from somewhere to the right, and the wall exploded. The bunnies paused, and turned to the disruption.

There stood a frazzled Kuronue. One of his scythes dangled from his left, and a charred looking rabbit hung from the other. The bat demon marched into the room, glaring at lollipop wielding bunnies.

"Alright, you Betty Crocker wannabe rodents," he snarled, "where are the popsicles? I _know_ you have them, and don't think the cute thing will work on me twice."

"Kyuuuun," one little demon said. "We ate the last one about an hour ago."

"DON'T **LIE** TO ME!!" Kuronue bellowed, raising his scythe.

"Kyun, we really did."

"LIES!!!"

"Truth."

"LIIIIEEEEES!!!!"

"KYUUUN!!!!!!!!!"

This seemed to push the bat demon over the edge.

"BLAAARGGGHHHHHHHOOOOOOOAAAAAAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Youko Kurama closed his eyes. There are some this even HE didn't need to see. Hearing the bunnies' shrieks was enough. Something blunt hit his ear as it soared into the over, and Kurama made a rather odd statement as the color red.

After about a minute, the noise died down, and Kuronue breathed heavily before saying, "Well, that was a load off my chest." His partner opened his eyes.

"Kuronue?"

"Yes, Kurama?"

"Do you know the way out of here?"

"Erm…"

"Wanna wander around aimlessly until we happen across it?"

"Sure."


	3. Sleepless Beauty

No beta this time; sorry if there are more typos then usual. 

I apologize for the long update… I've had this odd unwillingness to write lately… and school. I hate school.

BTW, I would love to hear ideas from people. I have a general idea of where I want to go with the plot, but… I need stuff to get me where I need to be. I need dirt to fill in the big gaping holes.

**Me, Myself, and Kuronue **

**- Sleepless Beauty -**

Youko Kurama wasn't sure how they had done it, but they had. They had managed to find their way out of the bunny fort without any causalities thanks to a certain drugged redhead tripping over a misplaced mop bucket and opening a secret passageway that conveniently led to the Way Out. He still had cake and taffy all over his rear and that damn boy hanging from his ankle, but what's a master thief to do?

"So," said Kuronue at his left, straightening his battered hat. "What now?"

Youko paused to gage his surroundings. They were strolling down a broad road of oddly bright yellow bricks, a cheerful sight slightly misplaced among the smoldering trees, burnt grace, and dismal gray clouds against a dying brown sky.

"Well…" The fox considered all possible options. His amber eyes settled on the magenta-clad teen at his feet. (Why was Kurama wearing his school uniform at his birthday party? I don't know.) "We could ditch the ningen here." He kicked out with the captured appendage, and Kurama giggled as he was dragged violently along the paved ground. Kuronue sniggered.

"I dunno," he replied. "Human is kinda flattering on you." Youko glared at him, but before he could dignify that with an answer, a giant pink bubble floated into view. Instead, he said:

"What the?"

And Kuronue said:

"Hell if I know."

And Kurama said:

"That's a cross between an elephant and a rhinoceros."

And the bubble said:

"…." Before it expanded and burst into purple sparkles. As they shimmered about in the wind, a woman with long, flowing red hair and a rosy dress that look like it had come out of an old Disney movie appeared. Of course, this woman was also a demon and therefore had scaly purple skin, a spiked tail whishing out from under the dress, and giant toad-like yellow eyes.

"On behalf of the munchkins," she cooed in a nauseatingly fluttery voice, "I thank you for killing the Wicked Witch of the East." The two thieves exchanged glances, but she ignored this and went on. "We would like to know, good sirs, if she is a good witch or a bad witch." She pointed daintily with a shiny, star-tipped wand at Kurama.

Kuronue and Youko stared at her for a moment, then burst into a fit of laughter. She frowned disapprovingly at them, then turned to the surrounding charred trees. The laughter stopped abruptly as she burst into song.

"Come out come out…!" The smiles died away as the thieves watched, horrified, as midgets in bizarre clothing paraded out from behind the trees, joining the crackpot woman in song.

"We represent the lollipop guild…"

They swirled about them, singing their high-pitched hearts out and ending the musical number by presenting a bus wheel of a lollipop to Kurama… who actually let go of Youko's foot to suck on. Finally, the little people retreated and the woman went back to her bubble.

"…Riiiight…" Youko stated simply as Kurama broke off a considerable piece of candy with his teeth.

"Again, what should we do?" Kuronue repeated.

Kurama leaped up, biting off the rest of the sucker and chewing it as he warbled out, "Follow the yellow brick road!" He struck a batman pose and pointed. "Follow the yellow brick road!" He swallowed. "Follow, follow, follow… whoa." He blinked down at the white stick in his hand, then up at the two taller males watching him with weary eyes. "What happened?"

"I'm going to assume that that lollipop just so HAPPENED to be the antidote, and that you're sane again," Youko said shortly and began marching down the—dare I say it?—yellow brick road. Kuronue shrugged at Kurama, and they followed.

As the trio continued on their way, the scenery became more and more cheery. The sky morphed into a quilt of the loveliest shades of azure, cobalt, cerulean, and sapphire, and the sun graced the now vivid emerald grass with its warm, inviting presence. Little red houses dotted the distance, and the sounds of beautiful bird songs filled the fresh, daisy-scented air. All in all, the world came to look as through it had been ripped from a fairy tale book.

Kuronue sent Youko a suspicious look. "That smell…"

"Is not me," the fox finished firmly.

"You sure?" The bat demon asked.

"Positive."

Kuronue sighed at stretched his ribbon-clad arms to the sky, yawning. He then turned to Kurama, pointing at the silver haired demon. "Do you believe him, Suuichi?"

Kurama smiled faintly. "Why shouldn't I?"

"Because," Kuronue answered bluntly, "There is no way Makai could smell this good on its own."

"Well, I wouldn't know," Kurama replied, playing the ignorant human he supposedly was.

"Except," Youko cut in, stopping suddenly, "that one place."

Kuronue snorted. "Please, like we could just HAPPEN upon that place."

"What place?" Kurama inquired, searching his memories for any inkling of what they could possibly be talking about.

"It's not here," Kuronue said, waving his hand dismissively. Youko frowned.

"But… the aroma of Chrysanthemum leucanthemum…"

Kurama's eyes widened in realization as Kuronue informed his partner, "I have no idea what you just said."

"The Land of Cheesy Human Bedtime Stories and Various Pretty Things That Have No Right Existing in the Demon Realm?" Kurama queried. Youko nodded, and Kuronue added his own commentary.

"Yeah. Supposedly, there are all sorts of overly dressed hot chicks waiting around for some guy to come pick them up, but no demon has ever managed to escape from the place's preadolescent clutches." He thought for a moment. "And we're not there."

"Whatever you say," Youko replied dryly. The group continued down the road the in silence for about a quarter of a mile before they spied an elderly man on the horizon. He was pushing a molding wooden cart, and a stuffed parrot was perched precariously upon his shoulder. Kuronue dashed ahead of them, eager to prove himself correct.

"Oi, mister!" he called out, waving one arm in the air. "Can you tell us where we are?" The man stopped his cart and starred up into the demon's purple eyes.

"Argh, matey," said he. "Would ye like teh purchase ah sack o' bread crumbs?"

Kuronue blinked down at him as both Kuramas came up behind the scythe-toting demon. "…Bread crumbs?"

"Ay, ye landlubber. Bread crumbs."

Kuronue leaned back, whispering to Youko, "Why would we need bread crumbs?"

"Why, in case ye got lost, o' course!" the man cried, raising a hook-for-a-hand and expertly slipping it into a plastic loop on the back of the toy parrot and pulling.

"SQUAWK! In case you get lost! SQUAWK!"

"Ah… no thank you, sir," said Kurama, eyeing the parrot. "But if you could tell us where we are, it would be very much appreciated."

"Fine, ye scraggly legg'd lobstah 'ead of scallywag," the pirate salesman huffed, pushing his cart around them. "Don' buy meh bread, but jus' don' come runnin' teh me when ye get yerself kidnapped by ah witch."

"SQUAWK! Kidnapped by a witch! SQUAWK!"

The bishonen watched the man disappear into the picture-perfect yonder in silence. When they could no longer see him, Youko turned to Kurama with hands on his hips.

"'It would be very much appreciated,'" he mocked, pitching his voice several octaves higher than usual. Kurama coughed.

"You'll find, one of these days, that sometimes one is more likely to get what one wants by being polite." Youko snorted at this.

"Not in Makai," he replied, spinning so that his hair flipped perfectly over his shoulder and waltzed down the road, completely unaware of how feminine that looked.

The next thing of interest the trio encountered was a lofty tower placed neatly at the side of the walkway. It was made, as per princess-oriented tales, out of moss-covered stones, but it did not have the charm of the customary Abode of the Wonderwoman. The granite rock, ignoring the laws of physics, did not carry the warmth of the sun. Rather, the whole of the building seemed as cold as the authoress's Spanish classroom, and, trust me, that's pretty flippin' cold. It reeked of Evil Villain Hide Out. No, really, it did.

"Well, here's a change of scene," Kuronue commented.

"Stench is more like it," answered Kurama, wrinkling his noise. He had almost forgotten how bad Makai could smell.

With out warning, a mass of sunbeam-spun hair was dropped from the lone window near the top of the structure. It straightened into one glossy braid, complete with small pink flowers and a scarlet, satin ribbon entwined with the tangle-free locks. The boys slowly followed the shampoo commercial worthy tresses up the tower and to the smiling face of a young woman leaning out the gap in the tower.

"Oh, has my prince at long last come to rescue me?" she cried.

Ignoring the girl, Youko gave his companions a pointed look. "A ningen fairy-tale princess. I told you so."

Disregarding the fox, Kuronue, transfixed upon the damsel in distress, flexed his wings twice and jumped into the air. Gracefully alighting on the windowsill, the bat demon hoped into the barren room and smirked seductively at the girl. She promptly slapped him.

"You idiot," she reprimanded, glaring at him. "What do you think you're doing? That is NOT how you're supposed to rescue me! My hair is there for a reason, moron." She tugged her skirt into place angrily, yanked off her wig to reveal dirty-blonde frizz, and stomped out the door on the opposite side of the room.

It took a minute for Kuronue's brain to process what had just happened. Another girl had just walked off on him. Dammit, what was he doing wrong?

"Oi, bat boy!" Youko's deep voice called from some forty-five feet below.

"What?" Kuronue snapped back, leaning carelessly against the loan spindly table in the room.

"Get your popsicle-craving ass down here; some old hag wants to talk to you!"

Oh, that's right… his popsicle. He still wanted that. He glanced lazily down at his hand upon the table. Preferably a cherry one; he didn't really like grape. Blue raspberry would be good too…

There was a flier under his hand. Slightly interested, he picked up and began reading, Youko's distant and impatient voice serving as white noise.

_Nachiko Nanasawa, the Girl with Lips Red as the Rose!(1) Rescue her as she plays a wide variety of damsels in distress—including Rapunzel, Sleeping Beauty, and Cinderella! Contact the Happily Ever After Dating Service for more information._

_(1)Thank you to Poison Apple Lip Stick_

Below was a cartoony map of the Land of Cheesy Human Bedtime Stories and Various Pretty Things That Have No Right Existing in the Demon Realm that had all the "Princess Hot Spots" and bathrooms marked with different colored stars.

Kuronue blinked at the paper for a moment. He shook his head as though to banish the various schemes that he was involuntarily formulating and jumped out the window. He glided to the ground and nimbly landed next to Kurama and the "old hag", a squat woman robed in black and with fake warts spotting her face and hands. Youko glared proverbial daggers at him.

"You're not Prince Amiable," the crone croaked.

"'Prince Amiable'?" Kurama questioned, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, there can only be one Prince Charming," she responded. Addressing Kuronue once more she said, "What have you done with Prince Amiable, you imposter? He was paying good money for a Let Down Your Hair evening."

"I honestly have no idea who this Amiable guy is," Kuronue retorted rather rudely. The woman sighed.

"Well, that's one less skewering I have to go through then, I guess…" She trailed off and pulled a broom from behind her hunched back (which Kurama suspected of being a pillow). Mounting it like a horse, she faced herself toward the west and muttered something about refereeing a Quidditch match before kicking off and zooming into the pastel blue sky.

"Kurama," Kuronue said after a pause. Youko lessened his glare.

"What?"

"I want to go here." He pointed to a red star on the map. Youko leaned closer to inspect the fine print that served as a label.

"The Castle of Destiny?" He looked incredulously up at his partner. "What could you possibly want with something so lamely named?"

"A castle is bound to have treasure," Kurama offered. He had a vague (and extremely amusing) idea of what Kuronue was after. Youko considered this for a moment, trying to think of a more menacing sounding place he would rather rob. When nothing came to mind, he nodded in approval and allowed Kuronue to navigate for them.

The bat youkai was fairly certain that this would be the most likely (and closest) place to meet a girl. After all, in this part of Makai all you had to do was save a girl from a troll or something and they'd fall head over heels for you. Unfortunately, as with most maps, the flier was near impossible to interpret. Combined with the fact that it wasn't exactly drawn to scale, the group ended up knee deep in a swamp. Kurama had sighed, gently taken the map from Kuronue, and successfully led them to a candy land-wannabe castle. It was blindingly white with all sorts of turrets and towers, all decked with shimmering, brightly colored rounded roofs that, somehow, brought several types of sweets to mind. However, and oddly enough, the only thing that served as any sort of door or window was an immense, gapping hole some seven yards above the gorgeous gardens surrounding the building.

"Psh. I could have done better," Youko stated as he surveyed aforementioned grounds. "Look at those orchids… SOMEONE isn't watering them right." He glanced up at the palace's only entrance. "Now Kuronue, I want you to—"

But Kuronue was gone.

"Erm," said Kurama. "He, ah, went ahead."

"Dammit," the fox muttered. Then, to himself as he was forced to reevaluate his options, he asked, "Now how am I supposed to get up there?"

A smile tugged at the corners of Kurama's mouth. "Might I suggest a bean stock?"

-

Kuronue barreled down the hallway. He was going to a girlfriend! A girlfriend! Take THAT, Youko Kurama… and all your little lackey chicks and fangirls! Soon, he, Kuronue, was going to have posters made of HIM , and all those anime-freak ningen girls would wake up to HIS digitally enhanced and dramatically poised face in the morning. And there was nothing—**_nothing_**—anyone could do about it!

"GRWOOOOOOAAAAAAAAARR!"

Except for maybe that angry fire-breathing dragon waddling toward him.

-

To be honest, Kurama was slightly surprised by Youko's bean stock. It had been a deadly shade of forest green and had teeth, but that was no shock. What the redhead found surprising was that the plant had been, despite the incisors, undeniably a bean stock. Ferocious, drooling, and tried-to-maul-Kurama-twice-as-he-climbed, but a bean stock all the same.

How anticlimactic.

"There's nothing but posters in this stupid place," Youko growled. Indeed, the only decorations of the furniture-devoid building were colorful adds for everything from liposuction to pencil sharpeners to beef jerky. The walls were plastered with the bright oddities; one couldn't even tell what the wallpaper pattern was.

"The owner of this castle, the princess, should know where anything worth stealing would be located," Kurama commented, examining a Sketchers add.

"I'll refrain from saying 'duh'," Youko answered. In a much more frustrated tone, he added, "Where IS Kuronue?"

-

Kuronue took a cautious step back as the dragon advanced, smoke venting through its nostrils. He pulled his scythe from where-ever-the-hell-he-keeps-it and let his body relax into a defensive stance. It was just one, fat ol' monstrosity of a lizard. No biggie.

The dragon, whose name (unbeknownst to Kuronue) was Betsy, stared down her pray. Eyes as gray as her fire's smoke bore into the muscular figure, sizing him up and hopefully intimidating him. Guys were always afraid of an intelligent, strong woman. He was just another loser wasting their money on a cheap dating service. No biggie.

The suspense finally reached its peak, and the man charged, swinging his scythe toward her snake-like neck. It bounced of her rigid scales, leaving her unharmed but with an ugly scratch extending down from her jawbone. Roaring in rage as her opponent skillfully caught the blade's rebound, the dragon shot flames in his general direction.

"Grwar raaaawr gwaar," she managed to spit out through the fire, which, when translated from Dragonese, means something along the lines of, "You bastard! I just got that waxed!"

The smoke cleared, and Betsy smirked the best a reptile could as she observed that the only thing left of her adversary was a wall of charred advertisements. She hobbled around to return to her private quarters (and her soap opera), only to come face to face with a very much alive bat demon.

"Gwar?"

"You should really work on your aim."

And with that single, heroically cliché statement, Kuronue held up the fire extinguisher he had conveniently found in the janitor's closet he had just so _happened_ to have dived into to escape third degree burns. Carefully following the directions on the label like a good little demon, he took aim and pulled the nozzle, spraying the dragon in the mouth full force. The CO2 in the extinguisher reacted with Betsy's saliva, yielding an explosion. Kuronue dropped the heavy metal cylinder on his foot in alarm, but that was nothing in comparison to poor Betsy, who lay in an unconscious, scaly heap.

"Um, sorry 'bout that," Kuronue stammered as he hopped away from her lifeless body, clutching his injured foot. Assured that she wouldn't come to any time soon, he gingerly replaced his foot on the ground and, after testing his weight on it to make sure it didn't hurt too much, continued his dash down the hallway.

At the end was a dark, spiraling staircase, which Kuronue scaled. (To the tallest tower, don'cha know.) It ended at a locked and ominous looking door, which he, never one to waste time lock-picking, kicked open. It opened (er, fell into with a big THUD) into a dismal looking room furnished with a rickety chair and a pink-sheeted bed whose canopy was emblazoned with a red and white COCA-COLA insignia. Through the sheer clothe, he could make out the form of what he assumed was a young woman. He stepped into the room.

"Thank GOD," the woman had sat up. "Did you know you're first EVER to make it past Betsy?"

"Who?"

"But you know," the woman continued. "I still have no idea how I let myself get roped into this job."

Wow, thought Kuronue. She sure did have a deep voice for a girl.

"It's all because I come from a family of sixteen girls." The 'woman' swung her legs over the side. "The whole family's in this business. So I just HAD to too. But now you're here, and now you can get me out and I can quit." 'She' stepped out from behind the canopy. "But no funny business; I'm perfectly straight, despite what my contract says."

It was a man. He had long, silky raven tresses any girl would be jealous of, but he was unmistakably male.

"You… you're," Kuronue stuttered. The man stomped toward the door.

"What?"

"You're… a guy," the bat demon finished dumbly.

The other rolled his eyes. "Yes, I'm a guy."

"But then… why?"

"Girls want dates too," was the reply. An awkward silence. "And homosexual men. I suppose you AREN'T one of them, then?"

"No…"

"Thank god."

Youko and Kurama took this moment to make their grand entrance. In unison, they stared from the unknown man to Kuronue, to the man, to Kuronue, and back to the man.

"Kuronue?" Kurama started.

"Is there something you're not telling us?" Youko finished.

Kuronue turned bright red. "NO! I thought he'd be a girl!" Kurama suppressed a laugh, and Youko snickered.

"Anyway," continued Youko. "Six-eared freak, is there anything besides posters and half-dead dragons in this place?"

The man, who did indeed have six ears, huffed. "It's Yomi, and no."

Youko sighed. "Then this was a complete and total waste of time. C'mon Kuronue." He retreated to the hallway, closely followed by Kurama and Yomi. "Kuronue?"

Kuronue stood, eyes glazed over as he stared, transfixed, at the wall. Or rather, a specific something on the wall. "Popsicle…" he murmured, pulling a poster from the wall to reveal that there wasn't actually any wallpaper to be hiding.

"What is it?" Kurama inquired.

"Popsicle," Kuronue repeated.

Youko groaned. "Look, we'll worry about your frozen treats later, but first let's get out of this media-driven hellhole."

"Yomi's disappeared," Kurama said to no one in particular.

Youko grabbed Kuronue by the ponytail and dragged him down the stairs after Kuronue. He didn't let go until they were outside the castle, but the raven-haired demon didn't seem to mind. Even as Kurama led them back to the yellow brick road, he stayed immersed in his poster. Just when Youko was about to ask what in the three worlds could be so freaking fascinating, they heard a maniacal cackle from the castle.

They whirled around to see Yomi, perched upon a flying carpet, hovering above the castle. A huge burlap sack overflowing with gold and precious stones sat behind him, and he had adorned himself with a few pounds of bling.

"Don't you dweebs know all dragons have a mound of treasure they sleep on?" he called down to his dumbfounded spectators. "Guess not. So long, suckers!" he cried, and laughing gleefully, joined the old woman in flying off into the sunset.

"That lying son of a—" Youko stopped and turned to Kurama. "Do you think it was the ear comment?"

Kurama smirked, mimicking Youko's previous manner toward Kuronue. "I told you so."

* * *

…and THAT is how Youko Kurama met Yomi. 


End file.
